I Bought a Joint on eBay

If it were “Ye Olden Tymes”, there is no way I would be able to work or to practice my trade. If it were olde-timey AV from the 1800’s, some young whippersnapper would have to do the pixel-rustlin ‘round here because ol’ John-boy Hood gots “the miseries.”

As they said in the gold rush era, I came down with a case of “the bone ache” and had to have a procedure. This procedure ended up being a Total Hip Replacement. I have a “new” hip. “New.”

Even before joining Midwich and Starin, we have been very focused on sustainability in our trade. We take it very seriously. It hurts our hearts to see so much waste, so many useful items thrown away and showing up in a landfill or worse. This is why this hero decided to keep at least one artificial hip out of the landfills. I went second hand. Yes, it is true. I bought a hip on eBay. 

I looked at some of the other sites. I have some things I have picked up from Craigslist. They have served me well. I have some bike parts, fishing gear. The transactions often happened in a mall parking lot or something. I just didn’t think that was appropriate for purchasing human body parts. I thought about Facebook Marketplace, OfferUP, and then just came to the realization that grinding a deal for anatomical enhancement bits with some local stranger was not my jam.

I landed on eBay to buy my hip for a few reasons. I didn’t want to buy local. What if I ran into the person whose hip it was when I was at Dollar Tree or something? I just didn’t need that kind of awkward interaction. “Hey, how’s my hip doing in you?” No thanks. I wanted a hip from somewhere a little more distant. Maybe the east somewhere. I have not spent a lot of time in the east, so maybe we can get some east coast culture some other way, like through surgery.

So, I found this hip on eBay. From Providence. I really don’t know anyone from there. My rep buddy from Southern California is married to woman from Rhode Island, but I am pretty certain she has most if not all of her own hips. So, I feel pretty safe there. On top of that, the seller told me that this hip was traded in by someone that worked at Guitar Center in the drum department. They didn’t like the color or something, so it was barely used. All the better for me. As they say, “you walk off about half the retail price as soon as you leave the operating room”.    

I was also looking at lease-returns. There has been a big push regarding “Hip as a Service” or “body parts as OPEX”. I thought I could capitalize on accounting gimmicks and maybe get a super deluxe hip for dirt cheap. It turns out that not that many people are in the recurring hip game. They just talk about it a lot, and nobody buys it. Sound familiar?

So, eBay it is. I clicked the “make offer” box, got the hip for about $50 less than asking and still got free freight. 

So, a couple things I have learned in case you go down this path. First, there is a big difference between left and right hips. DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I am now walking in circles for the most part. Even when I don’t walk in circles, my gait is that of a special-needs runway model.

Second, DON’T HAVE IT SHIPPED SIGNATURE REQUIRED. Because the mail dude couldn’t leave it out front of my door, they dropped one of those notes off telling me to come to the post office and get my body part. How am I supposed to do that with a messed-up hip?   

I have missed all of you so much. I have not been able to travel due to my medical stuff that is all behind me now. If I say “wicked” or “chowdah” too much when I visit, it is just the hip talkin’.

-John Hood